The Story of "us"

Going to Cancun

2012-01-17T11:52:00.000-08:00

I am so excited to finally say this, "We are going to Cancun!" I am thrilled! We had decided to take a vacation last summer. Our plans were that if we were pregnant we would take a family vacation. If not....we would take an adult vacation. So, on February 23 we are off to Cancun until March 2 - just the two of us and a couple we are very close with. This is such a much needed vacation. Who knows ..maybe we will end up pregnant! Taylor will be staying with my mom, Eric's mom, My dad, and then Eric's dad throughout the vacation. I didn't want any one person to get burnt out. Crazy that I have that many options for people to help, huh? I don't think we will ever be taking a vacation that does not fall on a break again. The rotation of Taylor is enough to make anyone want to scream. Normally, I wouldn't have to arrange so much, but now that she is in kindergarten I don't want her to miss school or her dance classes.

I am still eating fruits and vegetables (which for those that know me...I NEVER ate them before.) and going to the holistic chiropractor. I have such amazing changes; including my monthly visitor coming 2 days earlier for the last 2 months and being much heavier, which is a good thing. (Madeline says this is because of my treatments with her.) When we get back from Mexico we will decide if we are up for additional fertility treatments. I am just hopeful that becoming healthier from the inside out will lead to a viable pregnancy without treatments.

My better half....

2012-01-05T10:12:00.000-08:00

I rarely mention Eric or how wonderful he is. I am not even sure if I have ever posted a picture of him. I wanted to share this picture because, today, I am making my post about Eric....I feel so grateful to have him in my life. He makes me smile when I am feeling down and knows how to make me feel like everything will be okay. He spoils the hell out of me and is such a wonderful father to our daughter. I LOVE you Eric Charles Holloway.

See ya.....

2012-01-04T12:55:00.000-08:00

Why does High school never seem to fully go away? Why is it that even at 32 I still deal with drama? It is so annoying! I just had a friend decide to "unfriend" me on facebook and stop answering my text and phonecalls without telling me why. I am so confused. We were not even fighting. just feel like the entire situation is so ridiculous and immature. It is hard to believe that someone can just not explain.

I had another friend tell me that there comes a time in your life when you need to re-evaluate your friendships. She also told me that this is not my issue..... it is hers.

I guess this is one of those times that I cannot dwell on a choice that someone else made. I guess I just wish I knew what happened.

Fabulous Christmas

2012-01-03T13:18:00.000-08:00

Well, Christmas is over and it is time to try and get back into a routine! Maybe easier said than done. I wanted to post a few pictures of our Christmas.

Three generations: Great Gram Lamm, Gram'e, and Taylor Jo.

Santa left us all a stocking!

Look at all of those presents!

Every Christmas Eve we lay in bed and listen to Daddy read, "Twas the Night Before Christmas."

Taylor got a wheelchair for her American Girl doll....can you tell her mommy is a special education teacher?

Christmas day we had a blind-folded food contest......Eric and I's food won!

Twister with Uncle Keith....notice where his face is.

Daddy bought us all dart guns.....it has been very fun!

Holistic Chiropractor

2011-12-20T08:15:00.000-08:00

Okay, I just wanted to give an update on my experience, thus far, with the holistic chiropractor. I feel AMAZE Balls! (Like Guilianna Rancic says) I have been sleeping better and not waking up or struggling to fall asleep. I have had regular BM's (which are not usual), and my period started 3 days early and was heavier than it has been in years. All of these things tell me that my body is reacting appropriately to the treatment. The period thing is the most amazing thing of all. I have been tracking my periods for years and cannot tell you the last time I started my period early without being on fertility drugs. In addition, I am MUCH heavier than I have been in a long time. This tells me that my lining was thicker than the previous months. (YEAHHHH! This is what we wanted to happen without fertility drugs.)

I am truly in shock! You don't really realize how poorly you were feeling until you actually feel good. I so badly wanted to believe that Holistic Chiropractic work could help me feel better or even "fix" me. I was, initially, a skeptic. Now, that I see and feel all of these amazing changes I am a believer in holistic approaches to fertility. I am NOT pregnant yet.... but, who knows!?

Taylor's dance recital

2011-12-13T08:54:00.000-08:00

Here is a video clip from Taylor's dance recital. She was so proud of herself.

Just a little bit of contemplating.

2011-12-08T07:29:00.000-08:00

So, I have been eating healthy these past two weeks and working out more. I am also trying to cut back on wine and soda. In addition I am meeting with a naturopathic chiropractor who is known is Boise as the Fertility Goddess. ( she isn't a crack your back dr...more gental pressure) I met with her for the initial consult and she told me that my lower back is very tight. Typically, that would mean nothing to me, but then she told me that the area should be palpable. This particular area is linked to a womans reproductive organs and fertility. I am going to meet with her again next Monday. She really wants me to see her 3 times the first week and twice each additional week. I just don't know if I have the time or money to do that frequently. I will see what I can come up with for time and finances. She said that she will start off with fixing my body and then start to work with the digestion and diet.

http://www.journalofsubluxationresearch.com/abstracts/bio_behrendt_madeline.htm

Start of something new.

2011-11-28T09:29:00.000-08:00

Well, today marks the official start at my attempts to be healthy. I am still waiting for the Infertility Cure, book that I ordered to come. I am very anxious to start reading it. In the meantime, I went to Costco and bought all Natural or organic food and drinks to nosh on. (carrot juice, Kefir, Soy milk, almonds,and Organic meat) I am hoping that by minimizing the animal products that I eat, which contain hormones, it will help with my infertility....it can't hurt. In addition, I am upping the amount and frequency of workouts. (There is a DVD set that I would like to get- it is Yoga specifically designed for fertility) I have also scheduled acupuncture sessions. There is a ton of reading out there that discusses the benefits of such practices when trying to increase fertility.

So, wish me luck that I can survive this. I have a terrible snacking addiction.

HCG of 2....

2011-11-23T10:45:00.000-08:00

Well, I had my Beta done today at 8:30am. I hadn't heard back by 10:30 so I called the office for the results. The nurse said, "Sorry, but the results are negative, your beta is 2." She then proceeded to explain ...which I have heard a million times....that anything below 5 is considered negative. I asked the nurse why my beta was 2 and not 0? She told me that it was likely because the embryo tried to implant but was unsuccessful. BUMMER! How can 5 follicles and such a good semen sample NOT produce a baby? I guess this explains why about 8dpiui by entire breasts were tender and now just the nipple area is. This would also explain why I got a faint line on a pregnancy test at 12dpiui and a negative on 13dpiui.

I spoke with Eric and he made me feel so much better. We tossed around various ideas of next steps. We have decided that for the next 3 months we will eat healthy,(organic), get in good shape, and that I will consult with a naturopathic doctor who specializes in fertility. (more importantly woman with thin uterine lining and multiple miscarriages, such as myself) At the end of that 3 month time we will reconvene and determine if we are up for going back to the fertility doctor or not. Our issue is that we have had much more success getting pregnant on our own. We have had ZERO lucky conceiving with the help of a fertility doctor. With that being said maybe my body doesn't like all of the chemicals that I am putting in it. I have had one successful and natural pregnancy. There has to be a reason why things are not working. Maybe I am not processing something or lacking something. It can't hurt to try something else.

Has anyone read, The Infertility Cure?

Taylor Jo turns 6!

2011-11-21T11:45:00.000-08:00

This past weekend we celebrated Taylor's 6th birthday. This was the first year that she invited her own friends. In previous year Eric and I would invite our friends and their children. The theme was Hello Kitty and we had a clown entertain the kiddos.

Meet Razzleberry the clown.

A living room full of balloons.

The Hello Kitty cake.

The birthday girl.

Here are the kiddos ...

This is one of the gifts that Grandpa and Grandma got for Taylor.....she thinks it is amazing!

Another..not so clear test.

2011-11-21T06:47:00.000-08:00

I just really should stop torturing myself and wait until my blood test on Wednesday. I think I am trying to prepare myself to have the visit from A.F. I guess my logic is that if I see a not so clear or even negative test that getting A.F. or a negative blood test won't hurt so bad.

I took another test this morning...however, it was only16 hours from the first one. This test looked the same as the first. Not a real definitive line..but, if I turn my head just so. I think I will chalk this one up to a negative.

Then, I think about the fact that I could be seeing the evaporation line or the "normal" part of the pregnancy test that the manufacturers tell you that you may just see. Seriously....pregnancy tests aren't so easy either. Between the possibly pregnancy symptoms and the possible line on the pregnancy test I am making myself nuts!

Maybe it was positive.....if I turn my head just so.

2011-11-20T15:22:00.000-08:00

Okay...I hope I am not jinxing myself. I took a pregnancy test today.

When you first look at the test it appears to be negative, but if you look again..and tilt your head you can see the slightest....ever so slightest line.I showed it to Eric who compared it against a new test.....he said he could see the line, but thinks that you can always see where the other line is supposed to be. That is likely the case.....except with me. I know, I sound like the typical "wishing, and hoping I am pregnant woman. " Seriously, though I have taken enough pregnancy tests to know that I DO NOT get that line. In fact, when I was pregnant with Taylor I had the same situation.

I am going to test tomorrow with first morning urine. Tomorrow I will be at 12dpiui. I figure that should give me a more accurate reading. Hopefully I will see a more definite second line.

Oh, yeah...did I mention that I cannot stop poking and prodding myself. I really need to get a life and stop obsessing!

...why can't I stop poking my boobs?

2011-11-18T13:51:00.000-08:00

It’It's official, people. I’m going insane. I’ve literally spent the last 18 hours or so poking my boobs because they feel “sorta” sore. And I honestly think that from all the poking and prodding and pushing, I’ve made them actually pretty sore all by myself without the help of a hormone that tells me I’m pregnant.

Yes, it’s true. I’m in the last few days of my 2ww and I’m looking for every symptom out there. The thing is, these symptoms are a bunch of crap. Really.

I really can’t count on any symptom ever. Because every time I think it may be an early pregnancy symptom, it’s more or less just Aunt Flo teasing me. I mean, really, couldn’t Mother Nature be a little bit more discerning when it comes to menstrual symptoms and pregnancy symptoms? Like, why do cramping and spotting and sore boobs ALL have mean you’re either getting you’re period or you’re pregnant? Why can’t it be just one or the other?

So here I am in that evil, 2WW. Seriously, can I catch a break here?

I’m trying desperately to remain positive I mean, how much better could you get? FIVE follies and 192 million sperm? If it doesn’t work this time, how in the world could it get any better?

I can't think about it any more....I am going back to poking myself.....hink about it. I’m going back to poking myself.

8dpiui

2011-11-17T08:19:00.000-08:00

Okay...I know that earlier I said that I was feeling negative...but, today....I feel different. Today is nine days since the HCG trigger shot, and 8 days post IUI. The trigger shot can cause symptoms similar to pregnancy, but is typically out of your system in a weeks time....however, it can stay in your system for longer. With that said, I am just today, starting to feel sore bbs. They are getting shooting pains in them. I didn't feel anything from the trigger shot this month. So, I feel that because I am having this sensation it is a good thing, especially because it just started.

I will be taking a test at 12dpiui.....I just can't wait. I hate to get too excited because I have been let down so many times.

5 dpiui

2011-11-14T13:20:00.000-08:00

Today I am 5 days post IUI. That means that I get a blood test completed next Wednesday. I am feeling so erratic with my emotions lately. I know that it is partially due to the hormones I have been on and the ones I am still having to take. What I am feeling also is severe pessimism towards this IUI working. I just have this feeling that it won't work...maybe this is my way of protecting myself and not getting my hopes up. I feel like I am just not meant to have another child...and it won't happen for me. I have tried for so many months and spent so much money that I just don't see this cycle actually working.

Sorry for my pitty party. I am in a real funk today.

Second IUI scheduled

2011-11-08T12:08:00.000-08:00

I went in today for my second ultrasound to determine how many follicles I had. To my surprise there were 5! Yes, 5! 2 of the 5 were smaller at 16mm, but nonetheless that is a lot! The nurse told me to trigger right then and come back in tomorrow at 10:30 with the sample and plan to have the procedure done at 11:30 because she didn't want to me to have the follicles get any larger or that I produce more. I am nervous and was not really prepared to be going in tomorrow. I thought I would be having the procedure on Thursday, so I mentally prepared myself for that day.

Oh...the nurse said that I only had a less than 5% chance of conceiving multiples. That is promising.....I do NOT want to become the next Octomom! LOL!

Anyway, I just gave myself the trigger shot a couple of hours ago. Let's keep our fingers crossed that this cycle of IUI works....I don't know if I could handle a different outcome!

Halloween for my Little Penguin...

2011-11-02T08:20:00.000-07:00

Halloween was a bit different for us this year. Typically, we have our very close friends and their two children along for the festivities. Unfortunately, they have moved to Tennessee and we were without them. Instead, my mom and step-dad came along for the fun. Taylor had a great time! We started very early ..like around 5:30 because it was so cold. The best part of starting early was that people are less stingy with the candy and are more inclined to be generous with the first person. :) We were home in about an hour or so and could not believe how much candy we hauled in!

I must have tossed her last years bucket....Notice the hand made bag?

Taylor said, " I can't believe daddy made me carve that kitty pumpkin by myself!"

Our neighbor and Taylor.

My mom, GG and Taylor.

Taylor took my mom and said that she wanted to try and scare her at the "scary House!"

Daddy and Taylor checking out the loot.

She is looking a bit tired at the end of the night.

Second round of IUI

2011-11-01T11:41:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was terrible! Not only was I dealing with the emotional mess of not being pregnant, I had to decide whether we would be trying another round of IUI. I was unprepared with having to deal with that...

IUI is comparison to other fertility methods is cheap. However, when you are between paychecks and don't own a credit card it makes coming up with money for fertility a bit difficult. I was struggling yesterday with trying to figure out how to pay for a second round of IUI with only $600. I had enough to cover the first ultrasound and all of the medication...but, not enough for the second ultrasound and the actual procedure. Finally, I turned to my family. They offered to loan me the remaining balance until my paycheck in a couple of weeks. What a pill to swallow having to borrow money for a procedure that is, essentially, elective. Borrowing the money will make things tight for the next month, but I feel like I made a decision that is reflective of what Eric and I are wanting....and that is another child.

I just can't help but feel like my body is letting me down. How on earth can you have a successful pregnancy, delivery, and healthy child? Then, try again and have miscarriage after miscarriage.....

Some say I should just stop trying and it will happen. I want to PUNCH those people! I can get pregnant. I have had 7 miscarriages. That is not the problem. The problem is that my uterine lining will not support a pregnancy.....that is not something that not "trying" will fix.

Onward and Upward....we try once more. If not I think I will try reading a book called, The Infertility Cure. I have heard wonderful things about it. I guess it can't hurt.

2011-10-31T10:37:00.001-07:00

Well, the first IUI attempt was unsuccessful! I am discouraged beyond belief. The anxiety that i feel right now is beyond words!

7 DPIUI

2011-10-24T09:43:00.000-07:00

Well, I feel nothing!!! I know it is too early to feel anything. I am so anxious and nervous all at the same time. I can't wait until next Monday when I will know for sure if I am pregnant! I think I will test on Saturday though....

I feel pregnant.......

2011-10-17T13:30:00.000-07:00

Not quite yet, but I did have the IUI done today. I feel like if I keep positive thoughts it will be done!

Let's just hope that all 3 follicles decide not to take. I think I would have a heart attack! I will officially know on Halloween.....that is...unless I decide to take a test sooner. I probably will not be able to hold out.

Send positive vibes my way!

Taylor and Mommy learned to ride a dirt bike!

2011-10-05T10:19:00.000-07:00

Okay, so Taylor and I learned to ride dirt bikes on Tuesday. It was very fun and an adrenaline rush! I didn't get any videos or pictures of myself, but I have plenty of cutey patooty!

Update!

2011-10-05T10:03:00.000-07:00

I am so excited! First, I take my final comprehensive exam for my masters program next Friday and Saturday from 9:30-11:30, both days. Once, they are finished I will have to just finish my last two classes before I graduate on December 14th!!!!!

Here is also some BIG news...... Keep me in your thoughts!!! I went to the Dr. today to begin the first protocol for IUI. I go in next Friday at 11:45 for an ultrasound ( 15 minutes after my comp. exam) and if things look good that means that on the 16th or so, I will be getting the IUI completed. Let's hope that those 2 weeks after the procedure don't take FOREVER!

Such a long time ago.....

2011-09-12T14:05:00.000-07:00

Well, I am not sure where to start as my last post was months ago! Let's see.....I am back to school teaching and attending. I will be graduating the December with my Masters of Education in Special Education with an endorsement for consulting teaching. So...that is very excited! I can't wait to have free time! :)

Aside from that Taylor began Kindergarten. She loves it! She asked if she could ride the bus to school and so I let her...but, only because the bus stop is 3 houses down from mine. The terrible part about the busing system is that she rides the bus to her home school and then switches buses to go to her school. ( I put her in a charter school.) So, the first day I met the bus at school....just to make sure that she made it! I stood there camera in hand taking pictures. After, the second picture I noticed that she was crying as she was getting off of the bus. When I asked her what was wrong she couldn't even explain to me because she was crying so hard. ( I think she was just shuffled along and the bus drivers forgot to explain what she should do.)

One more bit of news.....I begin the fertility process again. We will be trying IUI this time. I went in 2 Fridays ago to make our plan of action. While I was talking with the doctor I asked her to give me a pregnancy test because I was having such a weird period. Well, as it turns out I was pregnant...but, miscarrying. I am not sad about it because I think I am up to 7 total miscarriages now. I hadn't had a miscarriage in so long this was a total shock! Anyway, once everything is all healed up and I get my next cycle we can begin taking the drugs and shots and ultrasounds.....YEAH! (not really)

Here are some pictures from this summer and from Taylor's first day of school.

Can you say,"CHEESY"?!

The day of whitewater rafting.....so fun!

Here we are getting pulled behind my brothers boat. This must have been moments before the huge SPLASH!

Not sure if I posted our white water rafting pics.

We made sandcastles on the beach in McCall, Idaho. Beautiful!

We took Taylor to Lagoon. It is an amusement park in Ogden, UT. So much fun! We are nearly in the park camping.

Year end Dance recital

2011-06-02T07:27:00.000-07:00

I have been meaning to post this update of Taylor's dance recital, but many things have been going on.

Taylor was in two dances this time. First she was a tapping penguin who danced to the Spanish Happy Feet song. It was precious! Her second dance was her least favorite because she said that it hurt her knees. LOL! This dance was her ballet number. She danced to some Lion King song. Both made her daddy and I so proud.

LOVE the weather!

2011-05-19T07:38:00.000-07:00

No real reason for this post except to shout from the mountain tops that SPRING IS FINALLY HERE!!!!!

Finally.....it is about time. It is starting to get difficult to think of ways to entertain Taylor while we are inside.

More pictures......

2011-05-16T07:57:00.000-07:00

So....I wasn't planning on getting my pictures taken......hence the VERY short dress. I would have loved this picture more if the dress had been longer.

Totally shows Taylor's personality.

2011-05-10T11:04:00.001-07:00

Test

Interviewing Taylor

2011-05-06T08:16:00.000-07:00

Taylor is sick and so I am trying to think of somethings to keep her busy....other than TV.

.1.What is something your mom always says to you?
Eat your food!

2. What makes your mom happy?
When I give you lovies.

3. What makes your mom sad?
(LOL)...when daddy yells at you....but not me....just daddy!

4. How does your mom make you laugh?
By tickling me.

5. How old is your mom?
31

6. How tall is your mom?

I don't know.

7. What is her favorite thing to do?
Play with my Squinkies...(for those of you that don't know what they are.....they are tiny, plastic figurines)

8. What does your mom do when you're not around?
You buy stuff, or work, or go to class.

9. What is your mom really good at?
Doing homework.
10. What is your mom not so good at?
Making stuff.. because you don't know how to make stuff....you don't make stuff like this guy. (she holds up a poseable, magnetic figurine)

11. What is your mom's job?
Work. Work for kids.

12. What is your mom's favorite food?
I think tacos.

13. What do you and your mom do together?
We play or go to the park.

14. How do you know your mom loves you?
Because you say, "I love you more than the moon and the stars!"

How cute is she?

2011-05-05T11:30:00.000-07:00

My friend has a new found love of photography. She used Taylor as a model and here is one of the photos! I love that you can see her dimples!

Sick ..Sick....Sick

2011-05-05T11:16:00.000-07:00

My poor Taylor Jo has been sick since Monday evening. She stayed the night at my brothers house on Sunday night because I had to proctor ISAT testing for my school on Monday. On Monday evening Eric picked her up from my brothers house and she had red, flushed cheeks and blotches on her biceps. She also had a fever. We thought that she was sunburned and exhausted from playing so hard. But, when we woke up in the morning on Tuesday she had a fever of 102.7 and was complaining of a sore throat, headache and sore legs when she walked. Obviously, I didn't send her to preschool. I just taught from home while she stayed in my bed all day watching TV and sleeping. Wednesday we woke up and she had a fever of 102.8 still. So I doped up her with Ibuprofen again and called the Dr. We were able to be seen at 10:15 so I took the day off of work and took her in. The Dr. wasn't really sure of what she had because of the time frame of the fever and rash. He ended up figuring out she had 2 things combined. First, she had Fifths disease which is what caused the rash. (Apparently, the preschool had 9 kids in her class with it and they didn't bother to mention it to anyone!) The Dr. told me that he believed Taylor also had Andeno Virus or Herpengina. Both cause sores in the throat, high fever, aches, and a headache. He wasn't totally sure because Taylor also had pink, irritated eyes. Well, I was told that she would be sick with a fever for the next 3-4 days and I couldn't do anything about it, except give her Ibuprofen.

It makes me feel terrible for her that Mommy can't do anything to fix her pain! I took a picture of her yesterday afternoon when her fever spiked to 103.8! Obviously I freaked out! Thank goodness the medicine worked to lower the temp.

Doesn't she look so sad? Previous to this picture she woke up crying that she didn't get to play with her friends today! That about broke my heart.

Easter

2011-04-25T11:08:00.000-07:00

This year we had the most AMAZING church service! It was one of those services that leaves you thinking way after you have left. Pastor Mark was talking about "seeing dead people" in our churches. He related it to the movie, Sixth Sense. What he meant was that oftentimes the people who go to church every Sunday and try to live a life on the correct path while following all of the "rules" end up just going along with the motions. Those people don't really allow Jesus to be present in their lives. Pastor Mark talked about trying to allow God to enter your life truly...not by just going through the motions. It really made me think that I am probably not doing the best that I could be doing in that department. ....something to work on I guess.

......after church we spent the day at my brothers house. Here are the pictures.

Over the moon!

2011-04-13T08:07:00.000-07:00

So, Eric and I have been trying for a LONNNGGG time to get pregnant and then decided that we didn't want to go further in the process. We were burnt out. Actually, I would have gone all the way to IVF, but Eric had an issue with the specimen thing. I let him be...didn't push or prod when all I wanted to do was make him want as badly as I wanted to have a baby.

Last spring I told Eric I wanted to get rid of all of the baby items. He told me to wait until the next spring. I did. I tried to get a dog in the summer. Eric said," wait until next summer. " "If you aren't pregnant by then, you can buy one." I waited. Well....1 year later I just sold most of the baby items I had. I have looked at a dog that I wanted to buy and found the one....A Yorkie Poo. I was reminding Eric of what he had said last year when he denied having ever said that. That didn't sway me.. I still had my plan to purchase the dog and just bring her home.

(this is rambling...but it will flow at the end)

Fast forward two days. We are laying in bed watching TV and talking when he comments on a baby on TV. "Remember when Taylor was that small?" Eric keeps making these comments that are not "typical" for him. The next morning he says to Taylor, "Why doesn't mommy have a baby?" That comment didn't hurt my feelings, it only showed me that Eric has been thinking of babies lately.

Two days after this Eric leaves for Minnesota. He calls me last night and said......WAIT...for IT.....
That he has been thinking a lot lately and thinks it is a good idea if one month prior to my masters program graduation we go back to the doctor and do whatever it takes to get pregnant!!!!!!! I immediately started to cry. I never thought he would come around. I guess he just realized that he wants a baby more than he dislikes the idea of "going" in a cup.

I got the job!

2011-04-12T10:51:00.000-07:00

I was informed yesterday, at about 12:30 that I DID get the job! I am now the special education lead teacher with Idaho Virtual Academy. I am thrilled that my masters degree is paying off. I am also excited to change the signature at the bottom of my emails to Brittany Holloway
Special Education Lead Teacher

.....and my voice mail to say that, "You have reached Brittany Holloway, special education lead teacher, please leave a message.

It is just the small things.....oh ...and of course the pay raise!

My big girl!

2011-04-07T09:50:00.000-07:00

She sure loves to dress up......by the way... she now goes by the name "Twilight Sparkle." ;)

Applying for a new job!

2011-04-07T09:47:00.000-07:00

I oftentimes can't think of things to write, but TODAY I have something. Many of you know that I am in my masters program for special education. I am also getting an endorsement to be a consulting teacher for special education. I will be finished with everything in the fall.....YIPPPEE!!

Anyway, my biggest desire right now is to use my degree and endorsement to become a consulting teacher within my school. Guess what?! A job was just recently posted, within my company, for a special education lead teacher consulting position. I can hardly believe my luck. I didn't have to look for this position to open, it literally landed in my inbox. I considered applying, but when my supervisor asked me to apply I knew I had to. So, I updated my resume and wrote my application letter. I have the interview this Friday, over the phone, between 2 and 4. So, hopefully I will have good news to report by Friday or at the very latest Monday!

WOW.. it has been a long time.

2011-03-21T14:57:00.000-07:00

It has been so long since my last post. I haven't had anything really burning to say or tell lately. I feel like my life is just consistent. School, work, being mommy...... Do it over.

I am not complaining. I love the monotonous of my life. I am very......HAPPY! That feels good to say.

Back to juggling....

2011-01-24T07:23:00.000-08:00

My masters program has begun again. Tonight is the first night that I have to go into the classroom. What a weird feeling that will be. Typically, my classes have been online. This will be a new venture. Hopefully, Eric can manage to cook Taylor dinner, bathe her, and complete the normal bedtime routine while getting her to bed by 8:00. LOL! We will see!

Xbox Rockband

2011-01-04T11:37:00.000-08:00

This video is of Taylor, Eric and a friend of our doing Rock Band, part of my birthday present, but really for the whole family. Taylor does a pretty good job. I even had her "singing" last night and she does better than those of us that can read.

LMAO!!! HAAAHHAAA!!

Question

2011-01-04T08:02:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I have been taking Fertilaid for about a month now and my monthly visitor is officially 6 days late. I have taken a test on day 2 of being late and it read negative. I am not sure if I am late because of the fertiliad screwing with my body or because I may have ovulated later than I thought. But, how long do you wait without a period before consulting a doctor? Do I quit the fertilaid. (Fertilaid is an all natural vitamin that has all you are supposed to need to be able to conceive>.....thought Id give it a shot.)

Christmas Vacation

2011-01-04T07:59:00.000-08:00

Our Christmas vacation was wonderful; except that for the last week Taylor and Eric both had horribly high fevers that lasted for 3 days. When the fever finally broke they were left with a runny nose and chest congestion. WONDERFUL! At least I didn't end up with it!

Christmas Eve was spent at church with my mom, brother's family, and Eric's mom/stepdad and Grandma. We finished the night off with dinner and presents at my moms house. It is so great that our moms are close enough to hang out without us. Christmas day was just another year of running to all of the houses that we didn't get to spend time with on Christmas.

Here are some photos.

Here are all of us ladies with bows in our hair.

My mom's fabulous job setting the table.

The Holloway clan.....Notice my brown hair? Not sure how I feel about it yet.

The chaos!

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.

Santa brought Taylor the vanity that she wanted.....Yeah. Now I have someone to do my hair.

Christmas night. Eric and I brought our new Kinect to my brothers house for a little DANCE PARTY. You have got to get one! They are awesome!

This is how we sled in Idaho!

2010-12-14T12:37:00.000-08:00

Last weekend there was not much snow left in Boise, so Eric and a few friends drove 45 minutes to take our dear children sledding. What a fun day!!!

Eric was getting Taylor nice and warm in her snowmobile snow-suit.

Autumn (one of my dearest friend's daughter) and Taylor hamming it up.

Autumn and Taylor ....you can't really tell, but Taylor is in the front of Autumn.

The crew sitting by the fire, enjoying hot cocoa and hotdogs.

The hill.....here I come!

There I went......

Results of a Snow Day!

2010-12-02T08:06:00.000-08:00

What a wonderful day yesterday turned out to be. We drove 2 miles to a friends house so that we could go sledding and drink hot cocoa with her kiddos.When Taylor and I got home I told her that she could make a snow man with me before she took her rest. (Yes, at 5 my daughter still takes a nap. She is the kid that needs them.)

SNOW DAY!! SNOW DAY!

2010-12-01T06:47:00.000-08:00

Today is a snow day! Taylor's school is open, but all schools in the area are closed. That means that she gets to stay home with mommy. Even though I teach "virtually" there are a handful of kiddos that come to my office and see me for their special education services. Those kids that I see do not have to come in, which means I only have 30 minutes of teaching, online, today before I get to play in the snow!!!!! WOOHOO!!!!

Taylor's 5 year pictures.

2010-11-19T12:51:00.000-08:00

Taylor Jo turns 5!

2010-11-19T11:52:00.000-08:00

Taylor Jo turned 5 on November 15. I have included photos of the 4 days of festivities. Kind of crazy that my baby girl is 5. It makes me sad to think that she needs me less today than yesterday.

We started off the festivities by going to my dads house where Taylor got a cake, present, lunch and even had a scavenger hunt at a local candy store. Of course, I didn't get photos from the candy store.

Saturday was Taylor's birthday party at the bowling alley. She was able to invite 10 of her friends....crazy she has 10 friends already.

The decorations at the bowling alley.

HHHAAAA! Taylor driving the motorcycle in the game area.

Taylor Jo bowling.

The family...and ...my eyes are closed....like usual.

The gang!

Monday ...her official birthday. Daddy made her the traditional heart shaped birthday pancakes.

She was opening her presents from daddy and mommy. She got a pink, Hello Kitty Razor scooter and jammies.

Eric and I took the day off of work to spend the day with her. We went to the indoor bounce house. Notice Eric and Taylor going down the slide. It was a blast!

The next day Taylor made snacks to take to school. She made a pudding and Oreo cookie snack with gummy worms. It is supposed to resemble dirt.

Finally am at peace.

2010-11-08T07:26:00.000-08:00

Well, last Friday was rough. I found out I wasn't pregnant and then got the blood test results from the doctor - which again....told me what I didn't want to know. I was a mix of emotions. At least I had prepared myself for the fact that I was almost 100% sure I wasn't pregnant. I think that helped prevent a massive melt down.

When the nurse called she said that Eric and could do one more round of injections and the TI. (timed intercourse- sorry if too much infor.) Eric and I had talked and decided that we were pretty much OVER it! He isn't willing to try anything further or more invasive. Which is sad for me, but I have to respect his feelings. With that said, I am doing okay. I think I prepared myself enough prior to the official word.

So, here is the plan....for once I can say I feel good about the decision and am not lying to myself.
We are not going to prevent pregnancy...we are not going to "try", and we are going to Cancun again. :) I am also going to put myself on Fertilaid, just in case I do get pregnant I don't want to miscarry because I have a thin uterine lining. Supposedly this will help with that. (have any of you heard of this?)

So....unless I am pregnant you probably won't have to listen to me vent about not being pregnant anymore.

An adult night to remember

2010-11-02T12:58:00.000-07:00

Not to be outdone by my daughter's love for Halloween. I thought it a good idea to throw an adult Halloween party. Here are some pictures from the evening.

This is my garage.....converted into one of the "party" areas.

The outside area.....notice the tall tables? There were 2 patio heaters next to them.

\

The haunted entrance to the party. You can't see it but, there were cackling skeleton heads and parts all over.

Snookie (my sister in law) and The Situation (my brother) showed up!

The 3 pin up girls.

Eric and I. LOL....he is wearing a childs size 10 costume.

Trick or Treat

2010-11-02T10:08:00.000-07:00

Here is how Taylor rolls.....and mommy.....25 years ago.

Taylor Jo as Rainbow Brite....

Mommy as Rainbow Brite ...25 years ago.

Another negative pregnancy test.

2010-10-12T11:49:00.000-07:00

So, I found out I wasn't pregnant on Sunday, but had a blood draw Monday morning to confirm what I already knew. Since I was at the Dr's I decided to get an ultrasound because Eric wants me to do another cycle of fertility. My Dr's office requires a baseline ultrasound at the beginning of each cycle to ensure that the medication did not create any cysts.Sounds like an excuse to make an extra $245.

Here's to another month of injections, meds, suppositories and hot flashes!

Taylor is a tap..tap...tappin'

2010-09-29T10:32:00.000-07:00

Last weekend

2010-09-24T06:49:00.000-07:00

Here is how my weekend began.

Daddy just bought Taylor go carts. She is able to reach the peddles by herself, now that daddy welded the seat closer to the peddles. (usually she has a helmet on - but this time Eric rode in the cart) We have found out that she is only good enough to drive in an open field. She gets sidetracked in the neighborhood. Too much to look at. Taylor almost hit a truck...she actually ended up in the neighbor, across the streets, lawn.

Then........

I met up with Soni Balongi for lunch!!!!! Amazing how you don't miss a beat when you haven't seen each other for 10 or more years. It was wonderful! Like Sonia said, "this is what 24 years of friendship looks like."

Soccer star.

2010-09-24T06:45:00.000-07:00

On Taylor's first soccer game...of which we were NOT keeping score......out loud, her team lost. The score was 6-8. However, my daughter scored 4 of the 6 goals! I almost had a heart attack during the game....what is going to happen when she is 12. I'm likely to pass out!!!

My pretty ballerina and tap dancer.

2010-09-24T06:40:00.000-07:00

So frustrated.

2010-09-09T07:43:00.000-07:00

I am so frustrated I anxious I can't sleep. Since the day Taylor turned 3 she has been enrolled in a small Montessori preschool. I knew all the parents and children. I loved the 3 teachers and would converse with them. Well, this year the preschool teacher sold her company to a woman who is not Montessori certified. I have an issue with that because now no one is certified. I also have a problem that the front sign out front reads, "ages 3-6" and there are now 5, 18 month olds in her class. They are not separated either. Taylor plugs her ears because of the noise. I am also upset because now there are toys that are not Montessori toys around. I am upset because I pay $425 for 3 days per week. (8:30 am -3:30 pm) I enrolled my daughter under the premise that the preschool would stay the same. I don't want the validity of the program to be compromised.

Said frustrations, I asked the preschool teacher for two weeks of enrollment back because I do not feel like I am getting what I signed up for. She says , "No. I am sorry that you have to tell yourself those things to make yourself feel better." WTF?! I am stating facts and am not the only one with these concerns.

Taylor is now enrolled in a different preschool , but I cannot start her because I will not be getting any money back. So, Taylor will have to wait until next month.

AHHHHH!

I am not a bitch on purpose to this teacher. I am sure she is going to be nice and all. But, the issues I do not like will not go away with time. They will always remain. I am confrontational when it comes to my daughter and what I feel is best. If that makes me a bitch....I guess I am.

To that time again.

2010-09-02T12:50:00.000-07:00

Well, my package of fertility shots and meds made it to my door today. I guess that means that I am beginning my two final rounds of trying, through a fertility doctor. I am nervous and scared. I can't help but think if this first month doesn't work that I only have one more cycle. .....then if that doesn't work...... Well, it looks like I will be starting everything on or around the 12th of September. I of course, will keep everyone posted on my mood swings, hot flashes, shots, and ultrasounds. (Did I mention I get 2 a month.....not on the stomach.)

I keep trying to remind myself to stay positive and try to breathe.

Ahhhhhh!

2010-08-20T15:08:00.000-07:00

Oh my gosh!!! This was my first week back to work and Taylor is home with me because preschool is cleaning next week. This makes for a guilty feeling mommy. I have had 3 play dates in the last 3 days, in an attempt to supplement the attention I am not paying to her. I think it has worked. But, I am so over having extra children in my house. AHHHHH!

It also seems like all of the paperwork and computer programs that I use, for work, aren't working effectively. The paperwork I need is not available, the computer programs are brand new so I am learning them and inputting old information. AHHHHH!

Then, Eric has been out of town since Tuesday. He will not return until Sunday evening. He is doing an off road race. It is called the Best in the Desert. He races from Las Vegas to Reno. Pretty scary. The day before he left there was a story on the Today Show that talked about a vehicle, the same he is racing, flying off the track and killing several people. Another AAHHHHHH moment. To make matters worse, I was supposed to be able to track him on the website and I can't. I don't even know how he is .....

My white water rafting trip in photos.

2010-07-27T08:39:00.000-07:00

The way up. .. wow hair!

My Eric.

The HOT 23 year old river guide.. . made me feel like a PUMA. (not quite a cougar)

The raft.

This is how we ate lunch. .. pretty rough life ?!

Two of the 3 guys I was with.

A great group of people we met in Riggins. They even let me use the shower. It was great after camping in a dirt pile.

Love him!

How to spend the 4th of July weekend!

2010-07-07T08:16:00.000-07:00

Get together with cousins.

Play in the water with daddy.

Eat some turkey while being lazy!

Attempt to get in the cold water.

Throw a fit!

Get a piggy back ride with daddy.

All cousins, uncles and papa's together.

Get the family together to watch fireworks.

Go home and swim in the pool with daddy while practicing how to use goggles.

What I've been up to.

2010-07-07T08:06:00.000-07:00

So, my blogging has taken a back seat because I am BUSY! I am teaching summer school, while Taylor is at home with me. I have also started taking my masters courses. That alone is enough to make me want to scream! I forgot how much I did not enjoy writing papers. I sat at the library from 10-1 yesterday, but I did get the paper written. What a relief!

Well, here is what my summer has consisted of. . .minus all of that other crap!

Heading to the zoo. . where we locked the kids in jail. LOL!

Driving the safari. .. .still at the zoo.

taking naps with daddy

Gotta love a good secret!

Girls will play.

2010-06-16T08:26:00.000-07:00

Here are some pictures of the girls night out. What fun! I so needed a night out! My friend, the one on the left side end, is moving. This was her going away night out. I am so sad, we have been pregnant together and our kids are besties and so are we!(husbands included - are great friends) Love you Angie!

Slip n' Slide

2010-06-16T08:19:00.000-07:00

The first outside toy purchase was completed by my 4 (4 1/2 as she says) year old! She saved her allowance and bought herself a slip n' slide. It isn't the "big" one, we will have to see if she really plays with it enough.

I must say, "I have forgotten how much fun they are!"

My camera was on some weird setting, so the pictures look weird. . .old . .whatever.

You have to get a running start. . . .

Then. . .we play in the sprinklers.

Poser!

Am I overreacting?!

2010-06-10T19:19:00.000-07:00

Ok. Im a teacher and trained to look for things. . .but am I overlooking? I babysat Eric's, friends, girlfriend's kid. .. .get that? Anyway, we have hung out before and I gave Taylor and the little girl a bath together. (4-Taylor and 6- the other kid). When I walked in the bathroom, the little girl was under the water touching Taylor's privates. I flipped. Got them out of the tub, talked with them about privates and not doing this. Then, the other kid told me they were talking about privates in Taylor's bedroom. I am mortified. .. my baby is 4 and doesn't know this stuff.

So, after getting the girls dressed we made popcorn and watched a movie. I text the girls mom to let her know what happened. She text back that someone's little girl was doing that to her little girl. Makes me freak out more!

So, here is where my question comes in. WHen I walked in on this I called Eric to talk with him. Then, when he got home I had the girls eating popcorn downstairs. I showed Eric the text that I sent the other mom and he was upset that I even told her. I said, " I would want to know." He said that I ruined her night out. "WHAT ABOUT MINE!!!!!! " I felt like screaming. Then, I said our kid basically just got molested, . had I not walked in sooner. He immediately flipped and said I was overreacting and that if anyone, I should know that kids touch each other!

He won't talk to me right now. He is upstairs upset that I used the word molested. Should I appologize? I don't know what to do. That is my baby and that is how I feel.

I do agree to some extent. . .but, not when there is two years difference. Am I justified to be upset or am I overreacting because it happened to my kid and I saw it?

The neighbors thought she was hurt!

2010-06-09T07:59:00.000-07:00

Well. .. here is another of those Taylor stories. Last night my neighbor and I went on a walk to the park. I let Taylor take her little bike and ride along with us. This is where the story starts. She rode ahead of us because everything is a race! She rode so far ahead of us I could barely see her. I asked her to stop. .. I yelled for her to stop! I yelled again! She didn't listen. Now, if you know me. .. I am not a quiet person. It is not like when I yell, she won't hear me. It was blatant disregard. So, of course that irritates me more, so I run down the street and get her "attention". I tell her that she needs to quit ignoring me and stay in view or she will get her bike taken away. I say, "let's cross the street quickly and get to the other side so cars don't get us." What does she do? She rides her bike down the middle of the street as I say and then begin to yell, " Get out of the street! Go to the sidewalk!" Over. . ..and . .. .over again! Finally, as I walk up to her and grab the handle bars she goes to the sidewalk. We begin our trek to the park. Taylor listens and when we get to the park she plays and listens. Funny how she suddenly has her hearing back!

Okay. .. time to leave! I let Taylor know it is time to go. My neighbor is putting her baby in the stroller and Taylor takes off down the sidewalk. I say, "stay in view. .don't go to far." As I begin to walk down the sidewalk Taylor looks back at me and disappears around the corner of the walkway. I again yell, "STOP! You have gone to far, mommy can't see you." Not upset at this point because I figure she will come back or wait. NOTHING! I yell again. .and again. .. she doesn't "hear" me. I get to where Taylor is and tell her that she has lost her bike because she did not listen. Now. .. the story gets good! She screams and yells. I'm not talking for a second. I am talking the entire way home. The neighborhood is looking out their windows and doorways wondering who just beat their kid. The entire time Taylor is yelling, " I want my bike back . .I will be good." I, of course, dont' give it back because I have to follow through. I ask her to stop yelling. .. nope. .. again. .. nope. She gets a swat. .. .nope! So, I have to just walk ahead of her gritting my teeth. When I approach my house, the neighbors on the other side of the street run out and ask if Taylor is okay. They tell me that they could hear her all the way down the street! I am mortified! I tell them that she is just having a melt down because I took her bike.

Oh MY GOSH!! I wanted to leave my kid on the side of the road and run away!

Summer

2010-06-09T07:45:00.000-07:00

Summer has begun and Boise is not sunny. It is so disappointing and causes me stress. This time last year our pool was up and we played outside most of the time. Not this year. . .every other day is windy or rainy. I feel as though I live in Oregon. Which in itself wouldn't be so bad if I actually lived in Oregon!

Here is the update on me: "Technically" not completed with my contract of teaching yet, but am not working because my Type A work personality leaves me without work. It is all done. (Funny how I am type A with work, but would never be considered that in my personal life.) I am not on my computer as often as I was during the school year. Which is the primary reason that I haven't updated this blog in a lifetime. That, and the fact that I have nothing going on. I did get offered a teaching contract with IDVA again. Thank goodness! So many of my colleagues did not get offered teaching contracts again. I guess the special education endorsement is my saving grace.

I have started my masters program and am struggling to read all of the pages. I can't believe I actually ever made it through college. I often finish reading and ask myself, "what the hell did I just read?" LOL! On the 21st I begin my actual class time. It lasts 4 days from 8am to 8pm with 2, one hour breaks to eat. Doesn't that sound daunting? Wish me luck. Hopefully, this remembering how to study thing will come back.

OK. . .maybe later!

2010-06-09T07:36:00.001-07:00

Call me blond. .. slow. . .whatever. .. but, I can't figure out how to "go private" and still allow my friends to read. LOL! So.. .maybe I stay public. :)

Going private

2010-05-25T06:59:00.001-07:00

I have decided to make my blog private. I have just read another post of someone getting identity theft from their blog. How sad! I am not really sure how that happens, but it is horrible. I am giving it a week and then. .. we shall see. Please make sure that I have your email address so that I can add it to my list of contacts who can access the blog.

Taylor's end of year music recital.

2010-05-24T07:41:00.000-07:00

I love this little girl. Taylor had her end of year music recital for preschool. Oh how cute she is! She sang her little hear out.

Plan B

2010-05-20T09:07:00.000-07:00

So, after the last Beta blood draw I was feeling very down. A very dear friend, Melissa Stafford, who many of you know, (either from highschool or the "blogging world") sent me a wonderful book called,Plan B, by Pete Wilson. It is an amazing and inspirational book. It has given me a lot of useful information. Many of the things I read are things that I really know deep down, but sometimes you need someone to say it.One quote from the book that really got me thinking reads;

"I know that persevering isn't easy. I know you want to run . I know you want to give up. I know you want to try and control and maintain what you cannot control or maintain. Resist the urge. Try to lean on God instead of panicking. Try to trust him instead of running away. Despite what your current circumstances are telling you. God is for you. He is there. He is working things our for your good."

Reading that was one of those "ahhh haa" moments. I know what I need to do. So, I am going to try and not control what I cannot. I am going to try and be okay.

Eric and I have talked about plan B. Even though we said we would be done after this failed cycle. . .we changed our minds. It is all so confusing. We are taking some time off to reflect on ourselves and what we do have. I want to enjoy things to their full extent again. Namely, my child. I feel like I haven't been as focused on her as I should be. These next few months I will be getting healthy. I am taking all natural supplements to help the female body and my hormones. (Vitax, Maca, and Dong Quai) Then, depending on how we feel in August or September we may "officially try" or not "prevent."(fertility doctor or not) For now, I am trying to let go and not control!

Thank you Melissa! And Congratulations on a healthy baby boy!

Not Pregnant!

2010-05-18T09:47:00.000-07:00

Well. . ..I'm not pregnant! Crying, sad and upset right now! I am done trying and over it! My regular gyno wants me to go on birth control because when I do get pregnant my body does some weird things instead of naturally ridding my body of the miscarriage. . .it gets confused.

I know I said I would be okay to only ever have Taylor, but I am hurting so bad right now. .. I don't know if I mean that. I do LOVE Taylor. More than words. But, I had a plan for my life and one kiddo was not it!

Tuesday

2010-05-14T14:17:00.000-07:00

So, on Tuesday at 8:00am I go in for my final beta. This test will determine if I ended up pregnant. Things were looking promising. . .almost too promising. I am not sure if I wrote this at all, but I had 3 potential eggs and my lining was thicker than ever! If the results end up not in the direction I am hoping for . .. I am DONE! No more trying. I can't afford emotionally or financially to continue with this. I am tired of counting the days of where I am and how much longer I have. I am finally in a place where I am okay if the only child I ever have isTaylor. I appreciate the family that we have created and am thankful. I have started going back to church. .. not because of the infertility thing, but because Taylor has started to ask questions about God. I would hate to tell her the wrong thing and have her go around repeating that. LOL! (This is after a 2 year long break. .. since the divorce I have not been as diligent about going. . .nor have I had the desire) Okay. .. maybe part of me knows I need to get my head on straight and get my priorities in order! :)

I will keep you posted. I am not going to keep any result a secret. I would rather use this blog as an outlet that keep in bottled inside.

My little fish.

2010-05-10T08:52:00.000-07:00

Miss Taylor Jo has started swim lessons. She has to wear a swim cap and goggles. It is too funny.

Little Miss. . .attempting to back float.

Mothers Day

2010-05-10T08:48:00.000-07:00

This year I was absolutely spoiled. My mother's day started on Saturday. I went to the car dealership to "just look" for a new car for the family. One that Eric could actually fit in. (He is soooo tall.) So, I had previously looked online and found the car/truck that I wanted. I met with the gentleman at the dealership around 10am. I test drove the car and LOVED it. We sat and talk .. .one thing lead to another and he made me a deal I couldn't or shouldn't pass up. One problem. . .the down payment. I called and text Eric. He told me to "GO FOR IT!" and he would make the downpayment. . .Happy Mother's Day. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!? I am so thrilled and the owner of a 2008 Honda Ridgeline. It is beautiful!

Not only did I get the new car. .but, Eric is building me a new shower. I think he got tired of me yelling that I was stuck in the shower each time I used it. LOL! The stupid thing wouldn't let me out. So, I wanted to show the pictures of the demolition in my bedroom. It has caused me much anxiety.

Melaleuca

2010-05-03T10:11:00.000-07:00

Ok. I have started to promote a new company that is based in Idaho, but all over the world. It is all natural and non-toxic. Which makes it great for moms who have kiddos. I don't worry about cancer causing, toxic products, around my daughter anymore. I also have learned, through this company, that many of the products I used have been linked to infertility. YIKES!

Some of the products I use, from Melaleuca, are Nicole Miller make-up, cleaning supplies, crackers, protein bars, vitamins, sunscreen, shampoo and toothpaste. I used to use Tide, Clorox, 409, Johnson and Johnson, Lubriderm, Aveeno and Crest.

All I do is switch stores and I save money each month. I don't poison my family. My body absorbs my vitamins more and I feel more "refreshed."

Anyway, what I am asking if for you all to log on to one of my webcasts. They last about 40 minutes and are most evenings. I just want you all to be educated about the toxins in your home.

FYI: I was NOT a believer until I watched this webcast. Please let me know if you are interested. What can it hurt to learn a little bit?

Dreading this month.

2010-05-03T10:03:00.000-07:00

Ok. Do you ever feel like you have spread yourself too thin? Committed to too much? That is exactly how I feel right now. I have a million things up in the air and I feel like they are all coming down on me at once. Let me list them. .. just for my sanity.

1. This is Eric and I's last month of "trying" with the fertility crap until I either get it paid down or . . .I don't know. Let's just hope this month works.

2. As a special education teacher the months of March, April and May bring a lot of deadlines. One of which is coming down to the wire on May 22nd. AGHHHH! I have to complete State mandated tests for each of my students who has an IQ of 70 or below. That brings the grand total to 7! Each student takes me 2 days to complete.

3. I am teaching summer school. I have to complete paperwork and phone conferences for each kiddo that qualifies. There have been 10. Two to go!

4. Something that I am trying to plan for: I am starting my masters program in June. One class lasts from 8am-5pm and then 6-8pm for 5 straight days. Who is going to watch Taylor during that time? Eric works. Daycares close at 5:30. . .my friends work. . .. . AGGGHHH!

5. I began promoting an all natural product called Melalecua. It is amazing for families, non-toxic and has provided me with extra income each month. But, I have extra work involved.

Seriously may not seem like a ton to you all,but on top of that I am a mom. That comes first! So, trying to fit this all in, in my "free" time is difficult.

Taylor's first fashion show!

2010-04-29T10:46:00.000-07:00

My mother and I went to a fashion show last weekend. We bought this precious outfit for Taylor. Here are a few photos of the many different ways to wear the outfit. We purchased a tutu like skirt, a pink body suit, black top, black leggings, pink leggings, a skirt, and an apron like skirt.(later we bought a pair of tighter pink leggings - they look much better)

The woman who makes these wonderful outfits has a website called, www.loveloridesigns.com She is amazing! She uses wonderful prints in her clothing. Taylor loves to look girly and frilly. This outfit does the trick.

Negative test results again.

2010-04-23T13:14:00.000-07:00

I have not been good about posting lately and find that I use the blogging world as my way to vent. This morning at 9am I went in for my Beta. At 1:30 I got a call and my Beta was negative. This is the course of action for this month.

Day 1 of my period: call to schedule ultrasound to make sure that I don't have cysts.

Day 7 : Get an FSH shot to trigger follicles to grow.

Day 12: get another ultrasound to measure uterine lining and see how many follicles. (if I have poor lining I take Estradiol suppositories to thicken the lining)

Day 14: Get a HCG trigger shot to stimulate ovulation -- Baby dance to follow.

Day 15: progesterone suppositories until I get the Beta results. If they are positive I continue on them until I am told to STOP.

Seriously. I am thinking that this may be the last cycle until I can catch up financially. Each ultrasound is $129 per month and not covered by insurance. That means I have to front the money. Not only that, but Eric is not liking me on the hormones. He says it makes me more moody. NO KIDDING! He is not the guy that likes interference. He is probably going to make this be the last round for a while. I am kind of on the same page. Not just because of the money, but if God meant for me to have another baby, I imagine I would by now. Not feeling real optomistic right now. I wish that when I talked to Eric he wasn't so negative sounding about another round of treatment. That makes me more frustrated and not sure of what we are doing. I thought we were on the same page of trying until I am 31. . . .who knows.

I need a Miracle right now.

The tantrums. . .Oh man!

2010-04-09T07:46:00.000-07:00

Ok. Tell me that my once sweet, angelic, child will come back soon! Taylor has been having the worst meltdowns and always in front of company. The girl has no shame. She does not care where she decides to melt into the floor and cry. The more we say "stop and quit" the more she screams. I truly believe she likes to hear herself scream. She will even look at herself in the mirror while she screams. LOL!

Not only that. .. she is emotional! I am talking BIG time. Now, I have always considered myself emotional and dramatic, but HOLY COW! This girl takes the cake. She cries when I let Eric take her to preschool, she cries when I ask her to go to the toilet before bed, she cries when Eric looks at her, she cries when she doesn't get her way and I am sure we will discover a new thing that makes her cry today.

Last night we had friends from California over for dinner. They have two, perfect little girls. All was great until they had to leave. Guess what?! Taylor cried and threw a fit. I told her to go upstairs and get her jammies on while we walked the company out because she was being so embarrassing. The company couldn't even get her to STOP. So, after walking the company out, we came upstairs and Taylor cried and wailed even louder because she didn't get to walk the company outside. (REALLY?!) Ok. Then. . . .oh. . it gets better. . .she hit Eric! I couldn't believe it. She can't even control herself. So, we just put the covers over her.. . didn't brush her teeth. .left the room and let her cry. . scream. . .and throw a fit. We had hoped that by not feeding into her that she would stop. NOPE! After 35 minutes of this and Eric about going CRAZY, saying that we have a spoiled brat, he went back into the room (after a daddy break) and calmed her down enough so that we could do our bedtime routine.

I am not sure what is going on? I try to NOT spoil her, but apparently I am . Eric is often working late and the discipline is left up to me. I guess I am not doing as great a job as I thought. I know that I am more of a "sucker" than Eric. But, I carried this child for 9, almost 10 months. I am at a loss. I want to scream!

Not this month

2010-03-29T16:51:00.000-07:00

So. I am not pregnant. I had my lovely visitor come on Saturday night. I had that gut feeling that things didn't work out. So, even though I knew that I was not pregnant, the doctor insisted on drawing my beta's to let me "know" that I was not pregnant. .. no kidding! I could have told you that! I also had to get an ultrasound to make sure that I do not have cysts from the Femara. All was clear. So, again. .. today I start the damn drugs.

Eric, made a good point and said that at least we are not dealing with the other aspect of things, which is having another miscarriage. I completely agree. . I guess it is the lesser of two evils. This month particularly disappointed me because I did everything right. I took the drugs, did the baby dance, peed on sticks, and got my ultrasounds. But, as the doctor says, "even if you did everything right, there is only a 20% chance of conceiving each month." That shocks the hell out of me. How in the world do so many people manage to get pregnant?

25 Random things about me

2010-03-18T11:20:00.000-07:00

1. I HATE dirty microwaves.
2. I am not opposed to plastic surgery. I probably will one day get it.
3. I love to clean the house with 80's music blaring. . .Taylor sings along.
4. I love to get mail, the old fashioned way . ..especially if it is a magazine or letter or card from someone I know
5. I have 1 biological brother, 1 step sister and 1 step brother and I haven't talked to the step siblings in years. . and it's not because I don't like them.
6. I hate to bake, but love to cook.
7. I absolutely LOVE reality TV. . that is putting it mildly. I am actually obsessed.
8. I can't stand when the shower curtain is left open.
9. The toilet paper roll has to be over the top or I will change it.
10. I don't eat breakfast ever. If I go to a restaurant at breakfast time I will order a cheeseburger and fries.
11. I got a tap scholarship to college. That is what happens when you don't get academic ones. :)
12. I was just accepted to the graduate program at Boise State University.
13. Here is the irony to #12. I LOVE teaching school, but HATE attending.
14. I wish I could sing well.
15. I was fired from my first job in highschool for insubbordination. (talking back)
16. Sometimes when I am thinking about something very intently, Taylor will say what I was thinking about.
17.The first things I look at when I am in someone’s house for the first time are the pictures they have framed.
18. I can still sing the Fifty state song, that I learned from Lockwood Elementary, so I know all 50 states in alphabetical order.
19. I went to the same school from K-8th grade.
20. I still talk to Sonia Gomez, I went to kindergarten with her and we used to walk home from school together and sing, "Rise and Shine and Give God the Glory, Glory. .. children of the Lord!"
21. My step dad used to take me on "Princess Days" and I could get whatever I wanted.. . within reason.
21. I never really wanted to go to college.
22. I have always wanted to be an actress. I am very dramatic to this day!
23. I would love to adopt children, but Eric does not feel the same way.
24. I am closer with my step dad than my biological father.
25. I truly LOVE my life!

Doctor's appointment today!

2010-03-11T11:31:00.000-08:00

Well, at 8:15 this morning, I went to the doctor to get my follicles measured. I had 2 good sized ones. One measured at 24.58mm and the second was 19.88mm. That is good news. The doctors goal was that I would have 2 good sized follies. YIPPEE! The other thing that was measured was my uterine lining. That measured at 6.5 mm. They like it closer to 8, so I am now taking estrogen suppositories for the next 2 days, 3 times a days. Then, based off of my ovulation kit I may have to give myself an HCG trigger shot. Right now it is looking as though I will not be needing to give myself the shot. Thank goodness. Then, starting on Sunday I will be on progesterone suppositories each day until I either find out everything worked or didn't . In the case that it does work out, I will continue with the suppositories until I am 12 weeks. If I am not pregnant, I can discontinue the progesterone. WOW! Who would have ever thought this much planning could go into having a family?

Fingers crossed it all goes well.

We start trying again . . . .

2010-03-01T12:15:00.000-08:00

I begin the process of trying for a baby again. Please say a couple of prayers for me.

Prayer #1

I start the Femara tomorrow and then on the 11th I go in for an ultrasound. Pray that they see some good size follicles and a thick enough lining to hold onto a baby.

Prayer #2

If I do get pregnant, (which doesn't seem to be the problem), pray that my body holds onto the baby for longer than my typical 5 weeks.

The gymnast starts again!

2010-03-01T12:12:00.000-08:00

Taylor the Gymnast

Hard to believe she is just 4. .. what a tall beanpole.

Taylor has started gymnastics again. It is so amazing to see how much she has improved from the last time. I was so excited because I had found this great leotard (see above) and it fit her LONGGG torso. (size 5-6) Well, the poor child kept picking her wedgie. . .in the front. . .the entire class. I was mortified! I felt like screaming. . "YES. . I do bathe her!" Lucky for me the teacher has seen this more times that I can count. She simply said, "next time don't put underwear underneath." Isn't the underwear supposed to stop the front wedge?

Here are some more pics. .. they are blurry because Taylor is always in action.

Seriously! I think I want to join gymnastics!

New decision

2010-02-24T07:00:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking on and off about going back to school to get my masters degree. I constantly push the idea into the farthest, darkest corner of my brain because I just don't think I will be able to manage. Well, that was until Eric asked me if I had ever thought about getting my Masters. That was all it took! By the end of the day I had applied for the program, submitted my FAFSA, and wrote my application letter. I even spoke with the advisor of the program, and he said, "congratulations, welcome to the program!" I guess that means they don't often turn away potential students. :) So, in May I will "hopefully" begin my masters in special education, while continuing to try for a baby, take care of Taylor, and teach summer school. OHHHH MAN!

My Cancun Vacation!

2010-02-15T12:25:00.000-08:00

I'm back baby! What an amazing vacation I had! I met amazing people at the resort and experienced some of the most exciting excursions that Cancun offers. Gotta love Ziplines! Well, we left Boise at 6:57am last Thursday and were in Cancun, Margarita in hand, by 3:30. Not too bad. The resort was all inclusive and had 4 amazing restaurants to choose from, plus a snack bar of fresh Ahi, brie, salmon, and shrimp every day. We went to a place called Coco Bongo's . It is like a Cirque de Soleil show, but with dancing too. It was AMAZING! We tanned, drank, clubbed, drank, ziplined, shopped, swam in tunnels with stalagtites, drank, and relaxed! :) It was the best vacation. We could not have gone with a better couple. We laughed so hard and have so many inside jokes I am sure we will drive a few people crazy. Here are some pictures of the vacation.

The view from the resort.

The view from the beach.

One cave we ziplined into.

Our safety helmets as we hiked through the caves.

Me, Dodo and Eric. He (the monkey) had the softest hands.

Downtown Cancun

Haven't written much lately . ..

2010-01-29T08:13:00.000-08:00

I have seriously been at a loss for anything to write about. My days are filled with IEP writing, lesson planning, teaching, working out, playing with Taylor, making dinner, and cleaning. Nothing of real substance has happened in recent weeks. I am on a constant moving mode. . .I don't often have "me" time . .. and that is partially due to the fact the Eric has started his own company and is trying hard to get it up and running. Which doesn't leave much time for he and I; let alone time for me to do girly things or take a shower in quiet. I know that I should not be complaining because his hard work has allowed for us to go to Cancun next Thursday. For that I am grateful!

On a side note; another one of my friends has found out that she is pregnant. I think that makes 8 friends of mine who have had children or found out that they are pregnant during the time that I have wanted one so badly. I actually broke down last week and just sobbed. It is a harsh reality that makes no sense. I have one perfectly healthy child, without the help of intervention to conceive. Suddenly, now I am in a much different place. This process has been two years in the making. After we return from Cancun we start the "trying" process again. I have mixed feelings. I so badly want a child, but am so burned out with the emotional roller coaster that each miscarriage brings. I don't think I could handle another. .. .so. . .should I even bother trying?

Amy gave me an idea . . .

2010-01-21T09:27:00.000-08:00

Mrs. Amy gave me an idea for a post . .because I am still waiting for pictures from my 80's party. (thanks Amy!)

Ten things you maybe didn't know about me.

1. I moved to Boise because my ex boyfriend from highschool gave me a black eye.

2. I have had 5 miscarriages. .. I think. . .maybe 6.

3. I am in my 7th year of teaching special education. ( I teach the students who have an IQ of around 40-70.)

4. I have been divorced from Eric for 3 years, this Valentines day, but our relationship is better than ever. And, NO there are no plans to remarry. Doesn't mean it won't happen. .. I'm still holding on to hope- but,our relationship seems to work better this way! ( This June will be 9 years together though)

5. I can eat a whole batch of rice krispie treats in one sitting.

6. I can't stand when the shower curtain is left open.

7. I am almost anal retentive about my kitchen floors being clean.

8. I am seriously having issues with being 30. .. not even joking! I don't know how to explain it. . .not like a mid life crisis, but I feel OLD, Like I should have done more, and that I have so much left to do and like I am half over my life. . .(not really) but . . . if I could do it over would I do it the same?

9. I was married and divorced two doors down from each other. . .same building, same floor. :)

10. I LOVE. .. LOVE. .. Beer. (redneckish . . .maybe)

A night out!

2010-01-15T08:59:00.000-08:00

Not much of a post today, but I have a GREAT evening planned! Miss. Taylor is going to my brothers house for an overnight. She is thrilled to be able to play with the "twins." My brother is even going to come and pick up Taylor. Then, it is off to get ready for our 80's Birthday Party!!!! So excited! I don't care what anyone says; I love all things 80's. The clothing. . .the music. .. the hair. .. AQUANET! Wait for some posts of the evening and the AWESOME, TUBULAR clothing!

Happy Birthday Edenn! I can't wait to ROCK it tonight!

What we do on a random day.

2010-01-14T09:33:00.000-08:00

Taylor and I were home alone. .. bored! So, here is what we came up with to do.

Taylor wanted me to paint her face .. . that wasn't good enough so .. . .

She painted mine! She said, "you look like an Indian."

Finished product!

Then, she painted my toes. . .

and drew on the sidewalk.

What a character she is.

The consensus . ... . ..?

2010-01-07T07:02:00.000-08:00

I am posting a picture that my mom had taken of Taylor. She had bought this ridiculously expensive outfit and wanted a picture. I brought it home and showed Eric. .. .he was less than thrilled. Take a look and try to figure out why?

Eric thought that Taylor looked too grown up and didn't like that her inner thigh was shown in this picture. LOL!!! I had to laugh because she is only 4! I guess that is a sign of what is yet to come. What a protective daddy.

My mess of a work place!

2010-01-07T06:55:00.000-08:00

I have had a few friends ask where I work and how I am set up at home? So, I posted a pic of my desk. . .as is. .. and a picture of me with my "nerd" headphones on. Notice the webcam on one of the two computer monitors. We are very "high" tech at our school. :)

Notice on the right of the desk is Taylor's "work" space. I forgot to put a pic of her "desk" , which is on the left wall. This is the day to day at my house. My desk is chaos. .. organized piles.

NERD!

Taylor the bowling champ!

2010-01-04T14:54:00.000-08:00

On my birthday we all went bowling. .. it was a blast. Taylor had so much fun that I had to take her again. I think I may have some steep competition when it comes to bowling. Apparently, I have yet to improve since my days in highschool. Sarah Holmquist Morand reminded me that I bowled about a 50 in those days. .. .I must say. .. I am not much better.

It is so amazing to me that my, just turned 4 year old, is so big and able to do so many amazing things.

Here is the big girl.

Look at that smile.

My New Year's eve

2010-01-04T14:48:00.000-08:00

This year we were invited to at least 4 different New Year's eve celebrations! But, as Eric and I discussed which one we should go to . .we thought about ringing in the New Year with Taylor; just the 3 of us. This was something we had yet to do. So, we let everyone know that our plans consisted of 3 people, a pot roast, Coldstone icecream and some $3.98 champagne. We then turned our phones off and enjoyed an evening together. We played Candyland, Chutes and Ladders and Memory. It may have not been the most exciting of celebrations, but I as the night ended and we all laid in bed together to share a kiss at midnight. .. .I couldn't have been happier.

I am 30!

2009-12-29T07:30:00.000-08:00

Well today is officially my 30th birthday. I am kind of freaking about it. Not necessarily because I am "old" , but because I feel as if I have left behind a much different time. I am officially an "adult" and people expect things out of me. I know that sounds ridiculously crazy because I have a daughter, I am a teacher, I own a home, etc. But, I think about the things that I have done earlier in my life and I get a bit sad because I will never have that independence or worry free times again. .. not that I necessarily want to go back either.

Maybe I have someone who will read this,. . I don't really know. But, I do have a memory about each one of you, from an earlier time, who "follows" my blog.

Miranda- Formal. . .when you came to my house to get pics taken at the fireplace of my house for our formal.

Amie - Freshman year of college. .. . when we would walk to the Frat parties together and then walk home a bit tipsie afterwards. :) That was so much fun!

Melissa - we used to cheer together. .. what more can I say. . .I just found a button pin of you and I flexing in our cheer uniforms.

Amy- I remember staying the night at your house and your parents buying pizza for us and me having the biggest crush on your brother. I also remember going to your big sisters wedding reception.

Our Christmas

2009-12-28T07:38:00.000-08:00

We had such a busy, fun filled Christmas. .. I will just include pics to tell the story. Here is the tree before everyone added their presents.

Here is the overloaded tree. .. ..CRAZY!

Part of the 13 that were at my house. Jody (my brothers wife) Grammy( Eric's mom) and GG(my mom).

My niece and nephew. . .they are twins and Taylor.'

Santa and his reindeer showed up too.

Gram, the one in the blue, is Taylor's Great Grandmother.

The Family.

My brother, Shawn and Phil.. . .after a few drinks and presents. :)

Before bed, Taylor modeled Eric's hat. I think I would kiss the cutie!

"Santa" putting together the kitchen for Miss Taylor.

When Taylor woke up that morning she screamed, "Santa left me a kitchen!!! WOOOHOO!"

My dad came after the big group of people left. He stayed the night so that he could watch Taylor open presents in the morning. But. .. first. .. .he had to model the "infamous" hat. :)

Merry Christmas!

2009-12-23T07:02:00.000-08:00

Wish me luck! This year I am hosting Christmas Eve Dinner. I will have 12 people at my house. Eric and I are cooking the turkey, ham, stuffing, scalloped potatoes and the dessert. MAN! Let's hope we can figure out how to get it all done with one oven.

I want to wish everyone a happy and healthy holiday. Enjoy the time that you have with your family and friends, but most of all remember why it is that we celebrate.

Taylor Jo Holloway

2009-12-18T06:46:00.000-08:00

Taylor is at the funniest age. She just turned 4 years old and is abundant with energy. She loves her mommy and daddy. She is often found telling daddy, " Don't kiss me so much" or "You always bug me." She would eat chocolate every minute if I let her. She likes to wrestle with daddy in the "wrestling room." Not much fazes her about day-to-day life. She loves when I tickle her before bedtime. When Napolean Dynamite comes on and does his dance, she follows along. She loves babies and tells me she wants a sister. Taylor will sing along to any song. .. even if she doesn't know the words. She’s in the 97 percentile for height and has been there since the day she was born. She hasn't quite learned that strangers aren't to be talked to. Taylor is the epitome of a "girly girl" and will pose anytime the camera is out. She tells her mommy that I am her best friend. Taylor is the best thing I have ever done! I enjoy each minute with her. My goal for 2010 is to be more patient with her, put the cleaning and laundry second and enjoy playing Littlest Pet Shop, Dollhouse, or chase.

I interviewed Taylor.

2009-12-14T10:40:00.000-08:00

1. How tall is mommy?
-she says, "6-3-1"

2. How old is mommy?
-"you are going to be 30 on your birthday."

3. Why does mommy love you?
-"Because you miss me"

4. What is your favorite thing to do with mommy?
-Paint and Color. .. .that is my FAVORITE!

5. What does mommy do at home?
-clean, vaccuum, and do your work

6.Is mommy a good cook?
-Yes. .. I like sandwiches.

7. What are we going to go do next?
-Jog out and make cookies. (That sounds like a good mixture right?. .. .Taylor works out with me everyday.)

Ho! Ho! Ho!

2009-12-10T13:27:00.000-08:00

Here is this year's Santa picture! As you can clearly tell from the look on Taylor's face, she enjoyed this year. A far cry from the previous years. :)

She told Santa that she wants a Leapster. .. . .he better follow through.

CANCUN . . .here we come!!!!!!!

2009-12-06T10:41:00.000-08:00

It is official!!!!!! We are going to Cancun on February 4 -11. Eric just went and put the deposit down with the travel agent on Friday. I am so thrilled. We will be going with another couple. They will make the vacation so much more fun! The husband is the friend that I got Scuba certified with over the summer.

Needless to say, I have started my diet. The last time I went to Mexico I gained 8 pounds in a week!! Yes. You heard that correct. 8 pounds. I am so SORE! I have gone back to the P90X videos. I don't do them 6 days a week, but I do them 4 days. I can't believe how out of shape I am. I run on the treadmill 4 days a week, but apparently that is not the same thing as getting my butt kicked by Tony Horton. I am bound and determined to wear my bikini in Mexico and not be a bit nervous about it.

Let's hope I come back from Cancun with a baby in the oven, that will hold on for longer than 5 weeks! The timing will be perfect! :)